I miss my mom. She is alive, in body and many days, in mind and spirit. But she's not the mom I grew up with, the one I could call on a whim, with good news to share or heartache to navigate. My parents were so young when they had me and it took them a long time to grow up, so often I would feel like she was more of a sister than a mom. Sometimes, I even had to be the mom! We could joke together, go shopping, gaze at cute guys, and talk about life stuff without any judgement. I miss all of this, every day.
Now my mom is in care and she lives in a beautiful centre. Not a nursing home but an amazing retirement village that has a dementia unit. She's the most vocal, the happiest and the most mobile. Everyone else is at different stages but mom is still herself in so many ways, and yet, she's gone.
Mom knows I'm her daughter. She recognizes my dh and kids and even our grandson. She knows she has a son. She wonders why dad doesn't come to visit and is surprised each and every time that I tell her he's already died. She shares stories and tells us about her day. She eats well and participates in all the activities. She is carefree and happy! But I miss her. Visiting is hard but we go and we have fun.
Dementia is a cruel disease. It robs not just the individual living with it but the family and friends who are taken down with the decline. A long and slow death that is heartbreaking at every step. My mom deserved better than this. She did nothing wrong to have her brain stop functioning. Sometimes I wish she had cancer instead. At least then, there would be treatment. At least then, there would be hope. There is no hope with this disease. Just a loss of memory, loss of body and loss of dignity. Why can a cure not be found? Why can we not stop this taker of dreams and future? When will it become a priority for a cure? Will this be my future? My children's? My wish is for an answer, a cure and return to life. A life worth living.
I miss my mom.
She deserved better than this.
~ Chy
12 comments:
That is hard to go through.
My mom had Alzheimer's and died two years ago this month.
Chy you write so clearly about life and those you love. You bring forward memories.
I too miss the mom my Mom was. Years of visiting her in the care home, watching and listening and learning about who she would be each time - time went from being recognized by name, then by her sister's name and then as time progress her mom's name and finally no name. Mom was happy in her new home - music, simple exercise games, walking with my Dad who visited her everyday up and down the hallways and then sitting together for tea and cookies (Mom ate all of Dad's cookies too). Dad's visits often became a story time where he told other's around the table at tea time who lived in the care home, stories of his life as a rancher, his time in the Airforce, his time as a minister. He was a good story teller too, animation, voice that wasn't loud but was clear and carried to the group around the table. Today, as every day I miss him too.
Mom mostly stopped talking but she was able to keep a sentence "I love you" which she said to everyone. She also retained singing the hymns of her life along with others who sang for her. She remained happy. I remember my Mom and I celebrate who she was in her earlier times. I remain constantly amazed at how hard she worked, how she raised her family and how she enjoyed travelling with Dad and how very kind she was when I had my child and she came for a week to take care of me while I learned how on earth to be a new mom.
I think about and remember her as my Mom over the 70 good years she had and this helped me and let me visit and talk and walk and have tea and cookies and say good-bye again and again during her last 22 years (10 when Dad cared for her) and 12 in care. We didn't even know the word Alzheimer and couldn't understand why she did the things and couldn't do what she enjoyed anymore for so many years and the learning curve was steep when the time to move Mom into care.
Hugs.
Joy
How incredibly hard it must be to visit your Mom who is not the person she used to be.
So many are afflicted with dementia now. Hardly a week goes by without us finding out yet another relative or old friend has been diagnosed. Like you I wonder WHY? Why do people get it? Why is there no cure?
I'm sorry to learn that you've walked this journey too Happyone. Hugs to you as you remember your mom. Thank you for sharing.
X Chy
Joy, I'm honored you shared your story as well. She sounds like an amazing mom too!
X Chy
Thank you Granny. It is such a hard experience and frustrating that there seems to be no effective treatment or cure. Scares me for our future!
X Chy
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is so hard to watch someone you love navigate life when this illness is making it so hard to do so. Very difficult for the whole family. My heart goes out to you. My mom died from it in 2009 and I totally understand when you say you miss your mom. I thought that so often when I would visit my mom. She looked the same, yet our lifetime memories were lost to her. I would often wish she would come back to "normal" even if only for an hour.
It's very stressful when a parent has dementia. My father refused to be tested, but the signs were there. My mom, the hospice worker, and I noticed it. I have been reading a lot about senior care, and it's helping. We all go through life stages. At least your mom is happy. They are kind of in their own world. It can be very depressing to watch...
I'm so sorry you have to go through this with your mom. Alzheimer's is an insidious disease.
Happy, I often have that same wish, to have her back, even just for an hour. I'm happy she seems to be having the time of her life but wish for those long and meaningful conversations!
Thank you for sharing your story as well. Hugs to you!
X Chy
Stephenie, it is quite stressful. I'm glad my mom is healthy and she seems so happy. Many of the residents are not smiley and chatty like she is, but I don't think she really notices, just keeps encouraging them to laugh! At least I can take comfort in her laughter!
X Chy
Thanks Debi! I hate all forms of Dementia and wish it would be cured. Robbing minds is not a pleasant disease to have!
X Chy
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