.... but not quite pinpointing the reason why. Have you ever felt this way? I had another good week, with work that was fulfilling and happy people surrounding me. An HR meeting that was short and sweet but went well; a board meeting that wasn't too bad (I always worry about these but it was fine); a new program launch that was amazing; energy like crazy again and this ended up translating in to more organizing in the garage, purging my desk and cabinets at hospice, and ensuring everything in the house was back in it's place. So what, oh what, could make me feel so glum?
The weather drastically changed from wearing a sweater to heavy Winter coats and boots. Some snow arrived and made the roads slick. But my Winter tires are on now on and frankly, slippery roads are just a fact of life in this season. Nope, not that. A Winter Warning is in effect this weekend will be spent at home, cozy and warm, safe and sound. We always go in to "blizzard mode" ~ making sure there is nothing outside that will be damaged by heavy snow or blow away with the strong winds, making sure our pantry, fridge and freezer are full, making sure bills are paid in case we lose internet and can't drive in to town to pay, making sure the car has a full tank of gas, making sure any plans/obligations we have coming up can either be fulfilled or rejigged. Then we settle in to be comfy and work on projects or just be. I'm working from home today, finishing up my case notes for the week, planning our next session for the new program, thinking about and maybe writing up employee evals and doing some research for a presentation I have in December. But as I do this work, I realize there is a sadness that is overtaking my heart today. The only thing I can attribute this to is a set of comments that were presented to me yesterday; one in jest and one with a serious tone. Both are minor things that in most weeks, I'd let slide off my back. But today, they sit and are taking me down. I'm desperately trying to work through both so the day can go well. Is it the weather that is making these worse? Or my feeling of not responding quick enough on both to shut down the harsh words? Or my silence to not further the conversation that then likely gave both parties the feeling of power? Or did both feel bad later, when they realized their words on reflection of the day? Neither of these statements was life changing, but both were harsh enough to make me feel truly disrespected and so criticized. What do you do when this happens? I mull over and over what was said, why and what I could have done to counteract said words. It's always easy later to find the perfect words, but in the moment, in both of these, I went silent. And now wonder if either individual knew their power or if either felt bad later. I can't change those moments. I can be better prepared in the future. But for now, they swirl through my brain while I try to concentrate on other things to make me feel better. Like my strengths, my achievements and the long weekend ahead, that we could turn around with some fun activities to negate the negative feelings in my hurt heart. Tell me what you would do?
~ Chy
4 comments:
My first reaction was always to challenge the person who made the comments and mostly this resulted in broken relationships. I've learned to keep my mouth shut or as is often said "Least said, soonest mended".
I hope a cozy at home weekend will soothe your soul.
That's often my approach as well but after I think it makes me feel like I should speak up and not let them "win" in making me feel like crap. I just wish the world was as peaceful as it could be. Thanks for sharing Granny!
X Chy
I think this time of year with the time change can bring a feeling of sadness. I never used to respond at all to harsh comments and, like you, always thought of what is should have said later. Then I got frustrated with myself for keeping quiet. I talked to a therapist who suggested that I, at least, go to the person after the fact simply to let them know that there were words were hurtful. In most instances the person would apologize, we would talk and come to some sort of peace. However, it hasn't always ended so nicely, and those relationships ended or, in the case of the workplace, I limited my contact with that person as much as possible. I hope you can find some peace and happiness very soon. ((hugs))
Debi, thank you for your kinds words and the hugs! That's the angst with my thoughts - if I bring it up, will I lose that relationship or make things worse? So I let it sit and then it eats at me and I feel disrespected. Not an easy experience. For now, I'm hanging out with my family and decorating the house for the holidays, observing Remembrance Day tomorrow and hoping to spend some time tomorrow in the snow. Love this blogging community that allows moments of hurt to be shared, with kind words and hugs received!
X Chy
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