Conflicted Feelings on a Snowy Afternoon.

My dh is making lots of tea for me lately in my favorite mug. Work has become very busy and the path we're on is causing a lot of conflicting feelings, not just for myself, but my team and co~workers as well. My hope is we'll survive this time and our programming will continue to grow and thrive. It's hard to be in the midst of it all and not having a clear picture of what it'll be like on the other side. For now, I smile and nod, and keep my focus on the tasks at hand.

When I have conflicted feelings, I often struggle with how they started then what to do with them. In the moment, as we wait for Spring to grace our lives, I've stayed close to our cozy cottage, ensuring every day I notice something that is beautiful in my world. It's hard work and doesn't always work as my stomach is in constant knots, I can't sleep and my head is full of worry and distress. My confidence is so low that I question every day what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and if my process is meeting the marks of those who are leading. We're almost end that end of the list of tasks. The outcome is still uncertain and it's making me exhausted. I long for a clear evening or a free weekend to relax again.

What are your go to tips and trips for working

through difficult times? I'm looking for ideas!

~ Chy

Conflicted Feelings.

 

Ugh! I hate having conflicted feelings. Usually I can figure things out but sometimes, the answer is not always as clear as I'd hope. Today, I'm conflicted. I know I'll find my answer OR the answer will present itself. Maybe writing about it will make it more clear for me. This often works.

I'm conflicted today because I've been offered an elective surgery date for a procedure that was cancelled back in mid March due to Covid. In the Summer, surgeries were approved again. I received a call on a Thursday, late in the day, for a spot that had opened for the next morning. But I turned it down as our music festival was the very next day. An announcement recently made it sound like all elective surgeries had been cancelled once again. But in reading the announcement again yesterday, I realize the headline and the body did not quite match and in fact, only 30% of surgeries were still cancelled. 

On Thursday, late in the day, I received a call from my surgeon's office and I wish I hadn't answered it ~ it said "Private" but I answered it anyway. I was offered a new date of Tuesday to come in for my surgery. I don't think I actually accepted it as I was in a bit of shock and was asking lots of questions. But I must have somewhere down the line said "okay" and now I'm sitting with conflicted feelings. 

Why am I conflicted? Here's the list:

The Pros to accepting this date:

* I'm already working from home so no missed work.

* I've been waiting a long time to get this done.

The Cons to accepting this date:

* My student is done on Friday so we have lots to cover this week. I can't just hand her off.

* I have a full caseload of clients who all missed last week because I was on a week long holiday.

* Covid numbers have drastically increased with over 1,000 new cases reported yesterday and 3 new deaths. This is a worry. Is it worth the potential risk?

* Reports are frequent talking about the overcrowding in our hospitals right now, with the ICU's at capacity. And lots of stories of people waiting for surgery who truly need emergent care. A lady in Calgary is waiting for hip surgery. She can barely walk. And yet she has no surgery date and has been waiting longer than me. I feel ethically and morally she should go before me as her need is great ....

* I would have to sit and wait once I'm done, on pain meds and probably pretty loopy until my dh can come pick me up. He can't take next week off as he just had this past week off. And the hospital right now doesn't allow support people to sit with anyone who is going in to surgery OR recovering. 

* My last surgery was when I was 18, so I have lots of fears that I've been working through and Covid has become the top of the list now that this is an added concern.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to regret saying no and not getting this done. But I don't want to regret getting it done and then Covid is present. What if I get my family sick OR I get Covid? 

I worry the surgeon may become annoyed if I say no to this date. Maybe he won't agree to keep me on. This has not been shared but it's a worry for me. Likely unfounded. No shortage of surgeons out there for sure but I'd have to start all over again if my no is not well received. 

Ugh! I'm off to help dh board and batten our wall. Maybe that will help me come to peace with a decision. 

Thanks for listening!

~ Chy

Many Feelings.

She told me she wouldn't find the

words to express her feelings. Every

session was met with "I don't know."

So I brought in these amazing tools

and within minutes, she chose eight

to show exactly how she feels since

her dad died last year. I was so proud

and relieved we could communicate.

~ Chy

Feeling Sad ....

.... but not quite pinpointing the reason why. Have you ever felt this way? I had another good week, with work that was fulfilling and happy people surrounding me. An HR meeting that was short and sweet but went well; a board meeting that wasn't too bad (I always worry about these but it was fine); a new program launch that was amazing; energy like crazy again and this ended up translating in to more organizing in the garage, purging my desk and cabinets at hospice, and ensuring everything in the house was back in it's place. So what, oh what, could make me feel so glum?

The weather drastically changed from wearing a sweater to heavy Winter coats and boots. Some snow arrived and made the roads slick. But my Winter tires are on now on and frankly, slippery roads are just a fact of life in this season. Nope, not that. A Winter Warning is in effect this weekend will be spent at home, cozy and warm, safe and sound. We always go in to "blizzard mode" ~ making sure there is nothing outside that will be damaged by heavy snow or blow away with the strong winds, making sure our pantry, fridge and freezer are full, making sure bills are paid in case we lose internet and can't drive in to town to pay, making sure the car has a full tank of gas, making sure any plans/obligations we have coming up can either be fulfilled or rejigged. Then we settle in to be comfy and work on projects or just be. I'm working from home today, finishing up my case notes for the week, planning our next session for the new program, thinking about and maybe writing up employee evals and doing some research for a presentation I have in December. But as I do this work, I realize there is a sadness that is overtaking my heart today. The only thing I can attribute this to is a set of comments that were presented to me yesterday; one in jest and one with a serious tone. Both are minor things that in most weeks, I'd let slide off my back. But today, they sit and are taking me down. I'm desperately trying to work through both so the day can go well. Is it the weather that is making these worse? Or my feeling of not responding quick enough on both to shut down the harsh words? Or my silence to not further the conversation that then likely gave both parties the feeling of power? Or did both feel bad later, when they realized their words on reflection of the day? Neither of these statements was life changing, but both were harsh enough to make me feel truly disrespected and  so criticized. What do you do when this happens? I mull over and over what was said, why and what I could have done to counteract said words. It's always easy later to find the perfect words, but in the moment, in both of these, I went silent. And now wonder if either individual knew their power or if either felt bad later. I can't change those moments. I can be better prepared in the future. But for now, they swirl through my brain while I try to concentrate on other things to make me feel better. Like my strengths, my achievements and the long weekend ahead, that we could turn around with some fun activities to negate the negative feelings in my hurt heart. Tell me what you would do?

~ Chy

Life is Heavy.

Sometimes life gets heavy. Today, with the low clouds, the high heat and a troubled heart, I've tried hard to be good to myself, knowing tomorrow will be better. It's getting through a day like today that is so hard to navigate. I think the hardest thing for me is that I am the counsellor for everyone else. I help individuals and families figure out life and death and everything in between. I'm damn good at my profession and take pride in working with those who struggle. But when it comes to my own "stuff" truly I have no one who can help me. So I go it alone, suck it up and wait for tomorrow. My dh is so comforting and listens well but he can't fix whatever my worry is. My mom used to be my biggest confidant but with her memory fading away, I can't talk with her like we used to. It's hard when we visit and she asks me "how are you?" like she knows I need to talk but I can't. Half of our visit now consists of me helping her remember who each of us is and then the second half is joking around as she shares stories and quips. I love our visits but I miss our old chats. So much ....

For now, I'll muddle through this hard day, get my work done, try to find some special moments and choose between tackling my worries or burying them for another day. One day I hope I can find someone I can trust as much as my mom but for now, after too many incidents where my trust has been broken, I'll have to rely on my resiliency and my hope that as always, tough moments are short lived and the real things that are important are the moments to live and to cherish. 

What things make life hard for you?

When life is hard, how do you cope?

Phew!!

You know when you have a worry that is so big, it affects your sleep, your mood, your every day life and it feels like there is nothing you can do, except face it head on? Yup, that kind of worry! Well, that was me with a particular worry. But today, some relief and a collective "phew" was part of our vocabulary today. The worry was real, the solution out of our hands but today, in our favor. While waiting for a couple of guests today to arrive at our house to go over the worry and see what could be done, I kept very busy. Cleaning the house from top to bottom, spending time on some projects for work, paying bills, writing, setting aside some sewing that needs to be completed, washing tiles in the kitchen, making lists, reorganizing the pantry, starting some laundry, cleaning out the fridge, answering emails and calls, deciding what to make for dinner and finally, taking some time just for me to unwind after our worry became full of hope and promise. A great ending to a very stressful time. 

Have you had any big worries lately?

What do you do to cope with the stress?