Conflicted Feelings on a Snowy Afternoon.

My dh is making lots of tea for me lately in my favorite mug. Work has become very busy and the path we're on is causing a lot of conflicting feelings, not just for myself, but my team and co~workers as well. My hope is we'll survive this time and our programming will continue to grow and thrive. It's hard to be in the midst of it all and not having a clear picture of what it'll be like on the other side. For now, I smile and nod, and keep my focus on the tasks at hand.

When I have conflicted feelings, I often struggle with how they started then what to do with them. In the moment, as we wait for Spring to grace our lives, I've stayed close to our cozy cottage, ensuring every day I notice something that is beautiful in my world. It's hard work and doesn't always work as my stomach is in constant knots, I can't sleep and my head is full of worry and distress. My confidence is so low that I question every day what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and if my process is meeting the marks of those who are leading. We're almost end that end of the list of tasks. The outcome is still uncertain and it's making me exhausted. I long for a clear evening or a free weekend to relax again.

What are your go to tips and trips for working

through difficult times? I'm looking for ideas!

~ Chy

Conflicted Feelings.

 

Ugh! I hate having conflicted feelings. Usually I can figure things out but sometimes, the answer is not always as clear as I'd hope. Today, I'm conflicted. I know I'll find my answer OR the answer will present itself. Maybe writing about it will make it more clear for me. This often works.

I'm conflicted today because I've been offered an elective surgery date for a procedure that was cancelled back in mid March due to Covid. In the Summer, surgeries were approved again. I received a call on a Thursday, late in the day, for a spot that had opened for the next morning. But I turned it down as our music festival was the very next day. An announcement recently made it sound like all elective surgeries had been cancelled once again. But in reading the announcement again yesterday, I realize the headline and the body did not quite match and in fact, only 30% of surgeries were still cancelled. 

On Thursday, late in the day, I received a call from my surgeon's office and I wish I hadn't answered it ~ it said "Private" but I answered it anyway. I was offered a new date of Tuesday to come in for my surgery. I don't think I actually accepted it as I was in a bit of shock and was asking lots of questions. But I must have somewhere down the line said "okay" and now I'm sitting with conflicted feelings. 

Why am I conflicted? Here's the list:

The Pros to accepting this date:

* I'm already working from home so no missed work.

* I've been waiting a long time to get this done.

The Cons to accepting this date:

* My student is done on Friday so we have lots to cover this week. I can't just hand her off.

* I have a full caseload of clients who all missed last week because I was on a week long holiday.

* Covid numbers have drastically increased with over 1,000 new cases reported yesterday and 3 new deaths. This is a worry. Is it worth the potential risk?

* Reports are frequent talking about the overcrowding in our hospitals right now, with the ICU's at capacity. And lots of stories of people waiting for surgery who truly need emergent care. A lady in Calgary is waiting for hip surgery. She can barely walk. And yet she has no surgery date and has been waiting longer than me. I feel ethically and morally she should go before me as her need is great ....

* I would have to sit and wait once I'm done, on pain meds and probably pretty loopy until my dh can come pick me up. He can't take next week off as he just had this past week off. And the hospital right now doesn't allow support people to sit with anyone who is going in to surgery OR recovering. 

* My last surgery was when I was 18, so I have lots of fears that I've been working through and Covid has become the top of the list now that this is an added concern.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to regret saying no and not getting this done. But I don't want to regret getting it done and then Covid is present. What if I get my family sick OR I get Covid? 

I worry the surgeon may become annoyed if I say no to this date. Maybe he won't agree to keep me on. This has not been shared but it's a worry for me. Likely unfounded. No shortage of surgeons out there for sure but I'd have to start all over again if my no is not well received. 

Ugh! I'm off to help dh board and batten our wall. Maybe that will help me come to peace with a decision. 

Thanks for listening!

~ Chy