June 23, 2016
A warning before you read my words today. I've been hurt by words from someone in my life and my post today is reflective of my feelings. I chose a picture that is exactly how I feel .... incredibly sad, extremely hurt and frightfully alone. A fair warning so you can move on if you need to. I respect that. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need a safe place to express these feelings so bear with me as I work through them. Thank you in advance.
I hurt someone yesterday. Not on purpose and not with intent. A short conversation and a quick laugh with someone else was translated by text to the individual. Who then texted me in anger. Truly a misconstrued experience but even with my heart felt apology and intense explanation, there is now silence. As I realized I needed to talk out my feelings to heal, in looking around, there was and is no one to help me through this. I'm caught in the middle of wanting to fix this mess but having no back up, no support, no direction and plain and simple, no one. How did I get to this point in my life and not realize I truly have no one? I started to talk with my dh but he immediately went to the "this is what you have to do" phase as many males will. Bless his little heart. But that mentality actually shut me down. I can't approach those who work with me as the individual in question is loved by all. And of course, I need to keep this as professional as I can. But boy does my heart hurt. I couldn't sleep and today is a big day in getting the last few items addressed by our builder. Now I'm terrified that with my lack of sleep, I'll miss something or say something incorrectly.
To be surrounded on a daily basis by a big family, two different work teams (I have two different contracts), the public we serve, and family and friends, doesn't make sense to feel this alone. I work in a field of helping others overcome their difficult experiences. I counsel on a daily basis. And yet I'm lost in how to help myself when life gets tough. Interesting, isn't it?
For a brief moment last night, I thought "what the hell, no one would even miss me if I wasn't here!" Yes, a true pity party. I know it's not the solution to end my life because the hurt is so great. But I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm humiliated, I'm numb, I'm backed in to a corner with no solution and most of all, I'm totally and utterly alone.
What do you do when life is hard and you feel alone?
How do you work through tough times and find peace?