A warning before you read my words today. I've been hurt by words from someone in my life and my post today is reflective of my feelings. I chose a picture that is exactly how I feel .... incredibly sad, extremely hurt and frightfully alone. A fair warning so you can move on if you need to. I respect that. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need a safe place to express these feelings so bear with me as I work through them. Thank you in advance.
I hurt someone yesterday. Not on purpose and not with intent. A short conversation and a quick laugh with someone else was translated by text to the individual. Who then texted me in anger. Truly a misconstrued experience but even with my heart felt apology and intense explanation, there is now silence. As I realized I needed to talk out my feelings to heal, in looking around, there was and is no one to help me through this. I'm caught in the middle of wanting to fix this mess but having no back up, no support, no direction and plain and simple, no one. How did I get to this point in my life and not realize I truly have no one? I started to talk with my dh but he immediately went to the "this is what you have to do" phase as many males will. Bless his little heart. But that mentality actually shut me down. I can't approach those who work with me as the individual in question is loved by all. And of course, I need to keep this as professional as I can. But boy does my heart hurt. I couldn't sleep and today is a big day in getting the last few items addressed by our builder. Now I'm terrified that with my lack of sleep, I'll miss something or say something incorrectly.
To be surrounded on a daily basis by a big family, two different work teams (I have two different contracts), the public we serve, and family and friends, doesn't make sense to feel this alone. I work in a field of helping others overcome their difficult experiences. I counsel on a daily basis. And yet I'm lost in how to help myself when life gets tough. Interesting, isn't it?
For a brief moment last night, I thought "what the hell, no one would even miss me if I wasn't here!" Yes, a true pity party. I know it's not the solution to end my life because the hurt is so great. But I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm humiliated, I'm numb, I'm backed in to a corner with no solution and most of all, I'm totally and utterly alone.
What do you do when life is hard and you feel alone?
How do you work through tough times and find peace?
8 comments:
Oh I'm sorry.. :( You have no girlfriends to chat to about this? If not, I'm always a good listener and trustworthy... I'm an awesome friend! (((Hugs))) cpeicheff (at) Rogers (dot) com - and I am honest, email me if you want to chat! Xox
I can't talk to my husband about stuff like that either, they don't get it. LOL!! I tend to keep to myself and have a coupld close friends who I can vent to without judgement and they usually have good advice or can at least sympathize with me!
Chin up!!
Sending you blogger hugs and hope that you can work your way around this unsought and very sad and lonely problem. More Hugs.
Joy
I have read and reread your post a couple of times before commenting. I am so sorry you are having to go through this,
I think first of all you have to cut yourself a little slack. We have all said things that were misinterpreted before. You have apologized and that is all you can do. Sometimes it takes the offended party a few days to get over it, and sometimes they never do. You know what your intent was, so I guess the only thing to do now is let the chips fall where they may. I have found with most adults a little time changes everything and things may never return to the way they were, but they may get much better than they are today.
I have found myself in a similar situation a couple of times, and replay the scene mentally going through all the "what if's" and " woulda, shoulda, coulda's" often to the point of beating myself up. My experience has been to apologize immediately, wait a couple of weeks and apologize again if things have not gotten better. After that I have to decide if remaining in a situation is something I can endure or not (In your case until the contract runs out. In my case looking for a new job or new social organization, neither of which had to happen but I did weigh the options)
Oh Chy, I am so sorry to hear this. We all unintentionally blunder sometimes, and often when texts/social media are involved, misunderstandings are more pronounced. I know what you mean about your husband jumping on to the 'advice' wagon, I think that's a man thing. You are a very 'giving' person, you work with others constantly, you counsel, you assist, you organise and facilitate. I know this from following your blog for a good while now. It goes without saying that you would never, ever, interntionally hurt anyone. You have apologised, and explained, you can do no more. The other person will choose to react how they react, there's nothing you can do to control that. What you have learned from the experience is that you find yourself without a confidante, and I think that you should (sorry, I realise I am now handing out advice- please ignore it if you wish) expend some of your energy in to yourself for a change. Join/start a book group, I remember you talked about that before. Join an interest group- pottery, painting, writing, anything where you can have fun, have a laugh, learn something new, and meet some really nice, like- minded ladies, and perhaps form a few nice friendships. No man, or woman, is an island, we all need pals. Please be gentle on yourself X
Thank you Carla. Your kind words have helped my heart and I appreciate your offer. Big hugs to you for reaching out across the country!
Ah, thank you Joy! Your hugs are most welcome and I'm sending you one back!!
Anne, you have such a sensible way of tackling an issue and I truly appreciated the time you took to write out your thoughts. I know as much as I'm beating myself up right now, that this too shall pass and all will be well in my little world in time. It's opened up a whole new thought though and that is that I really need to create my own tribe, my circle of friends, which as the moment, besides those I work with, those I support and those in my home, I've now realized I really don't have that support chain I clearly need. I'm off to figure that out!!
Dear Penny, your words are so timely and so comforting. Yes, I do need to find outlets and tomorrow I'm going to send a note to the neighbors in our country subdivision to see if there are any others interested in starting a book club out here, especially for our long winter nights and cool fall days. Thank you for your support and your kindness. I truly honor and appreciate your time! X
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