A Sunflower.

The sunflower is the International

Symbol of Hospice but it is also the

national flower of Ukraine. Around

our community, we see sunflowers

being painted, shared, hung up as a

sign of support for those caught up

in the conflict. I hope we will all find

the sunlight soon and stand very tall.

~ Chy

Bizarre Conflict.

As someone who is never comfortable around conflict, being embroiled in the middle of a very bizarre experience has left me this week feeling unsettled and upset. I won't provide details here as it won't solve a thing. I can only write that working in a team environment, as volunteers, there should still be a level of professionalism and willingness for all voices to be heard. Within this particular initiative, there is clearly a "them" and "us". It's been evident for a while that an unhealthiness was brewing and as we tried to work through it, there was a sudden change and people quit! And quit with bitter words that don't make sense nor add up to the actual experience. I find I've had to be the peacemaker in certain situations over the year and I think some of my upset is not even having the opportunity to help two parties find common ground. I guess I could take some heart and work it out in my head that if they couldn't handle some questions about process and how to move forward, then they weren't the kind of people we'd want to move forward on the board. None of this feels good. None of it makes sense. I don't like hidden agendas and there is a piece of me wondering if that's what this is all about. Alterior motives? Creative differences? In the end, I don't think we'l every truly know why this bizzare conflict began. What I do know is that we now have a new individual taking on that area and she has, in a very short time, made leaps and bounds in the progress of the tasks that were being worked on or hadn't yet been touched. In the end, the individuals who are committed and work seamlessly within a team environment are the ones still with us and the ones we need to complete this project. A natural weeding out of the conflicters was the right path ~ it just doesn't feel good. This too shall soon pass. 

~ Chy

War.

So many time this week I've tried to write a post about the recent tragic events in Paris. The words swirl around in my head but I just couldn't get them down on the page. Trying to make sense of a very senseless act has been difficult. I've never understood the rationale behind killing innocent people. I've never understood the desire to create conflict that ends in bloodshed. I've never understood how someone can wake up in the morning knowing that because of their actions, their grand plan, for many, it will be their last day on Earth. I've never understood the need to control others and the need for power. I've never understood the history. I've never understood war. I'm not sure I want to understand.

Maybe it's better I don't, for the act of trying to understand creates in me so much anxiety. I'm sure this is true for others right now, as we watch our world take sides on many conflicts, not just this one event. 

I remember leaning about war when I was 10. I remember long discussions in the classroom about nuclear war and what our last days on this planet might look like. I remember learning about the Holocaust and the millions of people who died because of their beliefs. I remember my grandparents talking about how they lived during both World Wars. I remember crying myself to sleep at night, head tucked under the pillow to quiet my sobs, as I wished for more time to be a kid and a future to be an adult. I remember my parents saying the wars of the past were done and the wars of the future maybe would never come. But that didn't stop me from worrying at an age when innocence was still supposed to be present. It wasn't fair to have to think about such horrible times but it also did give me a sense of gratitude as a child, then as a teen and now as an adult that we are fortunate to live in a country that is peaceful and somewhat removed from the world of conflict.

At least for now. 

I still have that gratitude. But I also have guilt. How can I enjoy a sunny day when someone else is mourning? How can I complain about the price of gas when someone else has nothing to eat? How can I be upset if someone cuts me off in traffic when someone else has to wonder if the next time they step outside their front door, will it be their last day to live? How can I be so selfish?

I'll never understand, I'll never stop worrying and I'll never stop remembering. 

Tonight, I wish for world peace. Forgiveness and rebuilding. Community and support. 

If only my wish could come true.